I seem to be prone to nightmares, I have them every so often and they are so realistic that they wake me up in the middle of the night and I have trouble getting them out of my mind. Usually they are triggered by seeing a scary movie, reading a spooky book too close to bed or just because I was thinking depressing thoughts while trying to fall asleep.
Last night I had a really scary dream and it has left me feeling depressed. I dreamt that I was in a room with someone who was shooting a bunch of people, all around me bodies were piling up. My husband was one of the victims and after he was shot I managed to get ahold of the gun. After some dialouge with the shooter, he told me that I wouldn't be able to shot him, but I did. I remember releasing the clip of the gun and looking to see if there were anymore bullets. I was hysterical over the loss of my husband, I was crying and crying and crying, somehow I managed to get ahold of one of his shirts and I was sitting in a heap on the floor with his shirt pressed into my face so that I could smell him still, and just crying and crying and crying. I woke at about 3:45 am and had a lot of trouble falling back asleep after that. I was tempted to wake my husband up and have him cuddle with me so that I would feel better, but I always feel guilty doing that because no one likes to be woken up in the middle of the night. This morning I shared my dream with my husbadn and he told me that I could have woken him up and he would have comforted me.
I am very self aware and I understand that I have an unreasonable fear of all things death related. I don't want to get any pets for fear they will die on me, I almost didn't marry my husband because of the fear that one day he is going to die on me. I routinely think about the important people I have lost that I believe have lead to me feeling this way and I am aware that at some point we are all going to die.... I just don't handle the persistent thoughts very well....
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Long Term Ramifications
I'd like to take a few minutes today to reflect on the economy and the lack of long term planning that the government partakes in. I have heard the phrase "Long Term Ramifications" in several different places today, and I think that this phrase is something that the government has not heard yet.
I find myself pondering what the founding fathers must have been thinking about things and wonder if they gave any thought to the "long term ramifications" of their actions... I think that there is so much impulse in the world and that people are so for instant gratification that they never ponder the "long term ramifications" of anything. From teenagers who partake in dangerous activities like unprotected sex, to anyone that uses heroine, to the lawmakers who pass bail out packages in the amount of 700 billion dollars to banks who loaned money out to people who thought that they could afford the loans... It just looks like a large cycle of no one thinking past 5 years into the future. In the event that they did think past the 5 year mark, I wonder if any of them thought of the negative things that could have happened or did they only focus on the best outcome they could envision; "If we loan all these people money and they have default, the value of their homes is sure to go up before that point and we will be able to make money on their default!"
I have also been reading another phrase that makes me laugh and cringe at the same time: "one of whom will inherit the economic mess in four months". This is regarding our 2 presidential candidates, and I think that a major flaw in our political/government system is that with 4 year terms the president doesn't really have to make things better, in fact he only has to technically look at the ramifications on a 4 or 8 year basis. I think that if there was more accountability for the president, that maybe these things would be better thought out and someone might actually think "How will this affect us/the economy/the planet in 20/25/30/50/100 years" I think it would be nice if the government had to do case studies on these types of things before they could pass laws or bail outs or other allow drilling or development. It all goes back to instant gratification, the people need this taken care of now, there is no time to look at the long term ramifications, we will just have to deal with those as they come along, well, WE won't have to deal with them, the next poor sap in charge will and our children will have to suffer the long term ramifications of our irresponsible actions.
Well I have just about run out of steam for this one.. That's all for now.
I find myself pondering what the founding fathers must have been thinking about things and wonder if they gave any thought to the "long term ramifications" of their actions... I think that there is so much impulse in the world and that people are so for instant gratification that they never ponder the "long term ramifications" of anything. From teenagers who partake in dangerous activities like unprotected sex, to anyone that uses heroine, to the lawmakers who pass bail out packages in the amount of 700 billion dollars to banks who loaned money out to people who thought that they could afford the loans... It just looks like a large cycle of no one thinking past 5 years into the future. In the event that they did think past the 5 year mark, I wonder if any of them thought of the negative things that could have happened or did they only focus on the best outcome they could envision; "If we loan all these people money and they have default, the value of their homes is sure to go up before that point and we will be able to make money on their default!"
I have also been reading another phrase that makes me laugh and cringe at the same time: "one of whom will inherit the economic mess in four months". This is regarding our 2 presidential candidates, and I think that a major flaw in our political/government system is that with 4 year terms the president doesn't really have to make things better, in fact he only has to technically look at the ramifications on a 4 or 8 year basis. I think that if there was more accountability for the president, that maybe these things would be better thought out and someone might actually think "How will this affect us/the economy/the planet in 20/25/30/50/100 years" I think it would be nice if the government had to do case studies on these types of things before they could pass laws or bail outs or other allow drilling or development. It all goes back to instant gratification, the people need this taken care of now, there is no time to look at the long term ramifications, we will just have to deal with those as they come along, well, WE won't have to deal with them, the next poor sap in charge will and our children will have to suffer the long term ramifications of our irresponsible actions.
Well I have just about run out of steam for this one.. That's all for now.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Babies and the future
Sometimes I feel this weight sinking on my chest, it feels like I am being crushed under the weight of my own impatience and this need I have to make time move faster. I don't quite understand why I am so impatient. Most of the time I contribute it to the fact that there seems to be babies popping out everywhere! I can't count the number of friends I have from Junior High and High School who are proud parents or expecting.
I so look forward to the day that my husband and I can try our own hand at the baby experience, but because I know that it is so far off, it drives me crazy with thinking about what can I do now that would be proactive to that future. Is it too early to start researching fertility tips and healthy living? How much of an effect will the things that I do now have on me for when we are trying to get pregnant? Should I wait until we have tried to have a baby and in the event that we have fertility issues then start researching those things?
Among other things that bother me about the future is how long it is taking for either of us to move up in the job world. I am currently taking classes to move myself up, but it seems that my husband's job is not doing anything to help him further himself, he has been up for a grand total of 3 promotions and has actively worked at getting these and has been skipped over each time. His yearly review should take place this month, but with the way his company moves, he will be lucky to get it by February of next year. They tell him how much of an excellent employee he is, he receives Employee of the Quarter almost every quarter, he takes care of his work without the help of anyone else (not something that anyone else does) and still they don't see any reason to promote him. It frustrates me and make me wish that the economy wasn't so crappy so that he could go look for another job and maybe find something else that pays more and would actually promote him.
I know that if either of us made more money we would be in a better place to have a baby and that I probably wouldn't be feeling this way everyday. I think that it would be a good idea to have our own house too, but that dream just seems to slip farther and farther away with the way the housing market is being destroyed, sure home prices are falling in some areas, but how will we ever be able to get approved for a loan if all the banks are terrified of losing more money?
Well I guess that is all I have to say about all of this for now.
I so look forward to the day that my husband and I can try our own hand at the baby experience, but because I know that it is so far off, it drives me crazy with thinking about what can I do now that would be proactive to that future. Is it too early to start researching fertility tips and healthy living? How much of an effect will the things that I do now have on me for when we are trying to get pregnant? Should I wait until we have tried to have a baby and in the event that we have fertility issues then start researching those things?
Among other things that bother me about the future is how long it is taking for either of us to move up in the job world. I am currently taking classes to move myself up, but it seems that my husband's job is not doing anything to help him further himself, he has been up for a grand total of 3 promotions and has actively worked at getting these and has been skipped over each time. His yearly review should take place this month, but with the way his company moves, he will be lucky to get it by February of next year. They tell him how much of an excellent employee he is, he receives Employee of the Quarter almost every quarter, he takes care of his work without the help of anyone else (not something that anyone else does) and still they don't see any reason to promote him. It frustrates me and make me wish that the economy wasn't so crappy so that he could go look for another job and maybe find something else that pays more and would actually promote him.
I know that if either of us made more money we would be in a better place to have a baby and that I probably wouldn't be feeling this way everyday. I think that it would be a good idea to have our own house too, but that dream just seems to slip farther and farther away with the way the housing market is being destroyed, sure home prices are falling in some areas, but how will we ever be able to get approved for a loan if all the banks are terrified of losing more money?
Well I guess that is all I have to say about all of this for now.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Experimenting - flying, cheese and other small adventures
Before my husband and I started dating and up to a year after we started dating, I was really a girl that knew what she didn't like and what she did like and I knew how to tell people when I wasn't going to take part in something because I knew I wouldn't like it. I wouldn't eat cheese, I didn't want to go on airplanes or stand close to the edge of anything that was high off the ground, I absolutely didn't do things that fell out of my comfort zone.
Five years later I am finding that I feel more adventurous, I am willing to try new foods and in approximately 2 and a half months I will be taking the longest airplane ride of my life. (I have been on a grand total of 2 roundtrip flights prior to this one) We will be flying to Florida to fulfill our dream of visiting Disney World. I am still pretty nervous about this, but I have never flown with my husband, so I am hoping that having him there with me will help calm me down.
I have also taken steps in enjoying cheese in more complex ways then those that I generally enjoy, I will eat it on pizza, nachos and Tillamook by the brick or shredded. I don't care for cheese on sandwiches, hamburgers, casseroles, pastas or soups. In the last week I have tried cheese in 2 different kinds of soups and I have found that it is not bad at all, in fact I can barely tell that they have cheese in them at all. My husband is very fond of cheese and he has always put my preferences before his own, so I have been trying to eat cheese in recipes that call for them, instead of omitting them. I am hoping that someday soon I will be able to move up to cheese in casseroles and maybe on pastas.
In other newly adventurous news, I am feeling the itch to get exploring, I want to see the country and I want to move to a new place, somewhere that my husband and I can start a family and have those kinds of adventures. I hope to move in the next year or two..
Well that's all for now, just had to write a little bit about all that.
Five years later I am finding that I feel more adventurous, I am willing to try new foods and in approximately 2 and a half months I will be taking the longest airplane ride of my life. (I have been on a grand total of 2 roundtrip flights prior to this one) We will be flying to Florida to fulfill our dream of visiting Disney World. I am still pretty nervous about this, but I have never flown with my husband, so I am hoping that having him there with me will help calm me down.
I have also taken steps in enjoying cheese in more complex ways then those that I generally enjoy, I will eat it on pizza, nachos and Tillamook by the brick or shredded. I don't care for cheese on sandwiches, hamburgers, casseroles, pastas or soups. In the last week I have tried cheese in 2 different kinds of soups and I have found that it is not bad at all, in fact I can barely tell that they have cheese in them at all. My husband is very fond of cheese and he has always put my preferences before his own, so I have been trying to eat cheese in recipes that call for them, instead of omitting them. I am hoping that someday soon I will be able to move up to cheese in casseroles and maybe on pastas.
In other newly adventurous news, I am feeling the itch to get exploring, I want to see the country and I want to move to a new place, somewhere that my husband and I can start a family and have those kinds of adventures. I hope to move in the next year or two..
Well that's all for now, just had to write a little bit about all that.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Time Flies
Yesterday my husband and I celebrated one year of marriage, I find it hard to believe that it has been a year since we were married. It seems like just yesterday.... well, I must admit that in my mind everything having to do with him is as fresh and clear as yesterday. I can clearly remember talking with my friends about going to hang out with them after school on the very day that I met my husband, almost 10 years ago. I remember seeing him for the first time and I remember seeing him for the first time after not seeing him for almost 4 years... I remember that both times I couldn't help but marvel over how handsome he was.
There is little more that I love then remembering everything about our history together, I enjoy remembering everyone's reactions when they found out that we had become and item and how pleasantly surprised everyone was.
I thank my lucky stars everyday that I am able to wake up next to the wonderful man I call my husband and I look forward to having many more memories to think back on over the years.
There is little more that I love then remembering everything about our history together, I enjoy remembering everyone's reactions when they found out that we had become and item and how pleasantly surprised everyone was.
I thank my lucky stars everyday that I am able to wake up next to the wonderful man I call my husband and I look forward to having many more memories to think back on over the years.
Friday, September 5, 2008
What does the planet need oil for?
For the last few days I have been contemplating why the planet makes oil. I know that it didn't start producing oil for humans to drill and use and fight over and sell and make fortunes off of. I tried Googling and looking for information about what the planet could possibly need oil for and I am convinced that no one knows and no one cares.
My husband and I believe that the planet does need oil and that everything that is happening and has been happening around the planet is probably directly connected to us drilling and using up all the oil in the planet.
Is the planet like a car engine and needs the oil we are selfishly taking away to run properly, to keep earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes and tsunamis under control? Could the increase in temperature, i.e. Global Warming be caused by the rising temperature in the Earth's core due to loss of oil? Does the planet replenish the oil that we are stealing? I am currently under the impression that once an oil well dries up, it is useless and oil will not come from that same source anymore. That is why there is so much hub-bub about drilling in Alaska and off the coast of California, right? Because there are millions of sites around the world that have already been drilled to the point of nothing and now the oil companies need somewhere else to start syphoning the oil out of the planet.
I'd like to know if there is any research on weather the planet needs the oil for anything, like temperature control, I'd like to know if anyone has even thought about this, I would assume Mr. Gore may have given it some thought with his documentary and all, but has anyone ever vested any time into seriously finding out the answer?
Well that is all for now, I am off to Google some more and see if I can find anything about this.
My husband and I believe that the planet does need oil and that everything that is happening and has been happening around the planet is probably directly connected to us drilling and using up all the oil in the planet.
Is the planet like a car engine and needs the oil we are selfishly taking away to run properly, to keep earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes and tsunamis under control? Could the increase in temperature, i.e. Global Warming be caused by the rising temperature in the Earth's core due to loss of oil? Does the planet replenish the oil that we are stealing? I am currently under the impression that once an oil well dries up, it is useless and oil will not come from that same source anymore. That is why there is so much hub-bub about drilling in Alaska and off the coast of California, right? Because there are millions of sites around the world that have already been drilled to the point of nothing and now the oil companies need somewhere else to start syphoning the oil out of the planet.
I'd like to know if there is any research on weather the planet needs the oil for anything, like temperature control, I'd like to know if anyone has even thought about this, I would assume Mr. Gore may have given it some thought with his documentary and all, but has anyone ever vested any time into seriously finding out the answer?
Well that is all for now, I am off to Google some more and see if I can find anything about this.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
The Beginning
I have decided to start a blog in the hopes of finding a more creative outlet for my random thoughts and a place to focus the excess energy that I spend thinking about and dwelling on all the facts of the future that are currently out of my control.
I plan to use this blog to discuss some of the mind boggling items that make me wonder about humanity and pose the questions that I can not find answers to.
In the event that I can come up with a solid story line I may even begin to use this blog to write a story or two.
If I end up extremely bored with nothing else to do, I may even use this blog to just talk about my daily life and all the crazy thoughts that I have.... Who knows.
Happy Reading
I plan to use this blog to discuss some of the mind boggling items that make me wonder about humanity and pose the questions that I can not find answers to.
In the event that I can come up with a solid story line I may even begin to use this blog to write a story or two.
If I end up extremely bored with nothing else to do, I may even use this blog to just talk about my daily life and all the crazy thoughts that I have.... Who knows.
Happy Reading
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
